What was I thinking?

too late to regret.

so many things that are left unsaid. 

I missed you. 

but who am I to say it to this whole world

when you're at another side

an eternal place to stay with our Father. 

I need to learn how to let go

how to move on

never thought it could be this hard

but life is always full of surprises. 

on hiatus.

Where is the good in goodbye?

There's no word can describe the feeling of losing a friend like you. 

Unexpected goodbye hurts the most. 

Until today, I still stare into space thinking about you. 

after split second, I realized you were gone, forever. 

it's goes on over and over again. 

I wish I was strong to go through this. 

but knowing you, I know you don't us to cry over you.

I kept imagining you watching us from afar, 

or just sitting next to us. 

It made me calm even though those were just imaginations. 

and deeply I hope you were, you lovely soul. 

Looking at you like you were sleeping soundly, 

wishful thinking that you'll wake up.

or wishing that it was just a horrible dream.

can anyone of you pinch me now? this is so surreal. 

:(

looking at you, I wish I could tell you the dream that I had months ago about you and the guys. 

sadly, I couldn't tell you personally anymore. 

and I'm sure when I tell you that story, you'll ask me "did you?" accompanying with the laughter that you always do. 

I could pinch you all the way like we always did. and you'll act like it wasn't painful :)

remember those time when I visit you at Sony center? 

the time when you first started working. 

it was like you took me to Sony tour. 

telling me like all the functions of the gadgets. it made me laughed so hard 

and honestly, I was really impressed. ;)

also, how proud am I of you. 

you were also telling me that if when you're working and talking to so-called customer/friends really long, 

your salary will get cut down. 

but me knowing the boss of Sony, you said "nevermind la! it's okay. you know him bah, so he won't potong my gaji" 

and we both just giggled. 

feeling bad, I went over to talk with your boss, asking him

"wahh, josh have to memorize everything ah?" 

you were like so proud that time. haha. 

good times good times. ;) 

I was there at Sony probably for half an hour. quite long for a so called customer who didn't buy anything. :p

even remembered I kinda forced you to finish my ribena. haha. 

it was never a failed to visit you there if I passed by Sony. 

remembered on the last day when I saw you, I passed by there couples of time. 

but you weren't there. 

I went back there again, and I saw you. 

Happily, I was wearing my wedges, slightly taller than I used to. 

you said that I've grown taller but when you knew I was sort of cheating. 

you goes like cheh. hahah. 

Remember the day when you accompanied me to cut my hair? Remember the day when you accompanied me buy the hello kitty sticker? haha. the walks to lutong GK? I still remember you cycle with your bicycle late at night. there's so much Josh, it would take forever to list it all down. 

reminiscing reminiscing. :) 

I just wanted to say thank you for all the memories that we once shared. 

Thank you for being there for me whenever I needed someone to talked to. 

Someone where I can find comfort with, someone where I can share my thoughts without any judgement.

someone who can depend on and call you as my brother. Thank you for the laughter that we had. 

Thank you so much .

Thank you. 

Have a safe journey to Heaven, my friends. 

Rest in Peace. 

You'll be deeply missed, Joshua. <3

I love you.

Yours truly.

Jo. 

Sneak peak :)

sorry for the hiatus. 

i is healthy.

Look who is back ? 

I'm currently having holiday so yeah, quite free a bit :) 

but still I need to get study soon. :D 

I don't upload a lot of photo of myself but here's one just cause I feel like uploading. HAHHA. 

I'm actually out of topic to blog about, I don't have any mojo anymore. :| 

but here, I don't know if I ever mentioned that I started eating healthy regularly already? 

Since the beginning of the month, so it's about 3 weeks less. :)

I find eating healthy fun, like really. 

especially during doing grocery shopping.

I don't know if its weird, but let me tell you a list of food that I eat in a week.

there are mostly just fruits and vegetables. 

the list goes like... 

leek,asparagus,broccoli,cabbage,lettuce,cucumber,spinach, baby kai lan, celery,carrots,papaya,banana, grapefruit, kiwi, watermelon, red apple, green apple, avacado.. 

I just went to the refrigerator to grab watermelon juice and check out what thing I missed out. 

hmmm, bean sprout, potatoes, tomatoes, buah mentega manis (?) and parsley. 

quite a lot right? HAHAH. the family could just spend hundreds ringgit just for fruit and vegetables in a week. quite crazy don't you think? 

 my breakfast for yesterday :D 

 I don't know what is this, does anyone know? wildberry? my mom planted this. 

 Grapefruit :D 

 Fried tomatoes 

 my watermelon juice today :D 

 Parsley :) 

 Asparagus :D 

Something just to spoil my taste bud yesterday :) 

and if ever you ask me to diet, I'll say no. I don't diet. :)

but I eat healthy food.secret is, blend fresh fruit and vegetables juice everyday. 

hehehe, I gained like 2 to 3 kilos the first week. then back to my normal weight and manage to lost more than a kilo now. without exercising. I'm lazy. pfft. 

I didn't drink juices to lose weight, but to stay healthy that's it :) 

why diet when you can have fun with your food.? 

right? 

too bad I didn't take any photo of the fruit juices that I blend everyday except for today's. 

which is watermelon and apple juice. 

heh, I missed my boyfriend when I think of watermelon. hahah. 

Lols, thanks for reading or not reading it at all. 

this post is really boring, I know. 

I talked  too much right? (Yes I know) 

okay now bye :D 

Just another journey.

Hey, sorry for the long hiatus. 

Lost my mojo to blog lately, and was quite busy for a while. 

Concentrating on my studies and also because my special someone just fly off to the west.

He flew off just morning to further his studies.

He left me a letter. 

:) 

A handmade envelope, hahah. 

made out of stapler cause he couldn't find any glue. :P

He used a tape just cause he can't just use his saliva to stick the envelope. 

lol, he went on youtube just to make an envelope for me. 

:)

heh, how simple could his mind be. 

but better than me, I just gave him a piece of full scape paper. 

and the little notes in a chocolate tin >.< 

On the other hand, I just receive this :)

from a friend of mine.

Thanks Azra :) xx 

Three Cheers for Five Years.

The ugly side of me. 

I'm ignorant, selfish and hard headed. 

I'm sorry for the things that I did, I knew what my mistakes were. 

I'm sorry for avoiding or pretending not to care so much.

I'm sorry, 

but I've learned my lesson. 

I'm done pretending, I can't stand not talking to you. 

and honestly, it's been bugging me for these few days. 

wonder if it was that telepathy between us two that eat me up. 

I held a deep breathe as usual to calm myself down and to just forget it. 

whatnot, it's coming back and haunting me. 

I missed the way we used to be.

I missed how we could talk about everything. 

I missed everything that we had. 

I miss seeing you smile. 

I missed how you always come to my house at night. 

I missed how we always argue and only could stand not talking to you for only a minute. 

I missed how we go for lunch break at the kdai mamak during high school. 

I missed how I could simply just hug you whenever I want. 

I missed how we talk stupidly. 

I wish we were still the same.

I don't want to start another fight. 

I don't want to have things go ugly. 

all I could do is to, keep you always in my prayers. 

It hurts me that I think I was the one that made you this way. 

Not that I think, I've always have knew that. 

Happy Belated Birthday Mum :)

first, I'm so sorry, but I promise this is the last post for today. 

I just want to say something in my blog for my mum. 

although I know she doesn't read this. 

dear mummy ,

I would love to say thank you for everything you have done to me. 

I love everything about you. 

thank you for bringing me into this world, mum.

I wouldn't be here of course also with the help of dad. 

thanks for all the clothes that you provide me with, the food that you fed me with, this beautiful house that we call home. 

I am thankful that God had given me such a beautiful lady to be my mother. 

A talented, disciplined, funny, fierce, unpredictable lady that thought me everything that I needed to know in life. 

I don't inherit any of your appearance, sadly. apart from the wavy hair, petite and that's it. 

I wish to inherit your talent in cooking especially. 

your cooking's are the best, I'll never eat any chicken/pork/lamb chop outside, 

cause yours are just perfect ;)

you have so many talent that I wish I had it too, sewing, arranging flowers, gardening, cooking and drawing. 

I used to remember you drew me. 

I wonder where did the portrait went to. 

I also would love to thank you for taking care of me when I'm sick. 

and I'm sure, now I'm taking my turn to take care of you when you're sick. 

I love how you bite me out of a sudden when I jump on your bed sleeping next to you.

when daddy is still reading the newspaper. 

I love how you tickle me that I wanted to get out of the bed as soon as possible. 

I love how you get angry at little things and I might tease you a bit that made you laugh in the end.

I honestly hate as every day passed, you gets a little older everyday. 

how I wish I appreciate all the things that you've done for me since day one when I was born.

I hate seeing the wrinkles on your face, 

But I promise, I'll love and take care of you and papa till the end of my life.

and also, be a better daughter that will make you proud one day. 

you'll see :) 

Did I just mentioned Kawaii ?

I'm utterly bored now, I'm sorry :3

and when I was bored last night, I took out my ring base, hot glue gun, lace and this cake eraser out. 

hahaha. 

cake eraser -.- 

I encounter this cute cake eraser at the back of this stationary shop :3

it has four different kinds of eraser.

remember how when we used to be kids, we buy lots of eraser? 

haha, I don't even know why. 

but this kawaii eraser is too cute so I got one pack of 4 different one inside. :) 

and tada, a ring. lolers. I didn't realise the thingy at the ring . 

it's not that nice. 

but from the cake, it pretty makes my day already. 

and also reminds me to make pretty cakes like this in the future :) 

Oh Lord, I hope You heard our prayers.

So yesterday night, we had family gathering for rosary. 

I'm not going to say so much. 

this is my little niece, Ashley. 

 one of the shih zhu. in the family, we have 5 of em. this is Coco Chanel. :P

 this is something new to me, 

the name of this food is Queen of puddings :) 

It's yums. 

this is also new to me. 

the name is Eve's pudding. :) 

both of them are eaten with cream. 

it's so yummy :3

Ways to overcome sleeping in class/work.

photo credit, here.

Do you have the same problem as I do? 

HAHHHHHHH. I'm so stressed out lately, ever since after As exam. 

I kept falling asleep in class. I couldn't stand it anymore that I told my friend just now, that

I'ma google ways to overcome sleeping in class. 

Cut the crap, I've did my research so I'm going to give you some tips. :D 

AM I JUST SO NICE. LOLS. 

okay, lets get it starting. 

1. this is the obvious one, get enough sleep! at least 8 hours per day. for me it's special, I need 24 hours of sleep per day, it's never enough D: 
2. eat healthy breakfast daily. eat less sugar and carbohydrate!  avoid bread & daily products (what?!, really? :O)
3. Take a cat nap :) this one works best for me in between break times :D 
4. Pinch yourself when you're sleepy. (I should thank my friend sometimes for pinching me when I'm half asleep) I know it's weird, but try it :)
5. Caffeine & red bull, if you're not a fan of those two like me. drink tea! :)
6. For tips number 5, drink it slowly, as if you drink straight away, you'll crash within the next few hours. :)
7. Exercise :) take a walk around the school building, halls etc etc. my lecturer had us walked the whole building the other day for getting the graph wrong. I think it's awesome. 
8. Sit up straight, cause slouching in your chair will make you lazy and ZzZzzz.... haha
9. Wash your face with cold water :) feel more refreshing :D 
10. write during meeting or lecture, as it will keep you thinking and not fall asleep. taking up notes is good right? 
11. Drink water to stay hydrated and awake :) 
12. make funny/lame/stupid jokes. hahaha, I normally do this with my friend just to keep me awake :) 
13. I never tried this, but pull down on your earlobes. some research says it works! worth the try hehe
14. play games! omg this works really good. this would be my main reason why I should get an iphone. I miss playing my friend's smurfy or other games. a few minutes works best :D 
15. go out from the classrooms for a while to take some fresh air and 'sun bath'. such a plus plus to get vitamin D right? :P 
16. motivate yourself, like rewarding yourself if you didn't fall asleep the whole day :)

Life is awesome. 

Hope you like my post :) 

Have a great Monday :D 

xoxo

Life is good

when your friend suddenly treat the whole class ice cream:) 

life is just awesome. 

thanks lily <3 

hahaha, everyone is enjoying their ice cream :)

just a short post. 

going out in a bit,

so byeeeee

hope you enjoy your weekends :3

xoxo

just another emotional post

I honestly hate counting days,

I hate knowing that it is coming soon, for real this time. 

I hate it so much, that it made me feel selfish for having that wants of 

just keeping you here with me in this small city.

I hate it that I know I'll miss looking forward on meeting you 

every lunch break at school.

I hate it that I know I am already missing you now. 

I hate it that I get jealous over things that doesn't even matter. 

I hate it when I cried in the restaurant just now. 

I hate it that you spend half of your day with your friends when I'm in school. 

just cause I wanna be there too. 

I hate it that when you leave, I'm gonna cry my lungs out.

I hate that my period is making the sentence above sounds like you're going to die. 

what the.. 

I hate that what I just wrote above here reminded me that I've almost lost you two years back 

just a week before my 17th birthday. 

I hate that even though that time we broke up, my body started to tremble with tears and fears

when they came to my house to tell me about the news. 

& until today, I'm thankful and grateful for having them as our friends. 

I would've been the last person to know what happened to you if it wasn't for them.

the worries and adrenaline that runs in my veins gets even 

when we reached there, I didn't get to see you there. 

I swear I wish I was there with you the whole time even if it risk myself that my parents finds out. 

& remembering my only wish on my birthday was to see you never came true.

and I'm sorry I never took the responsibility to be a good girlfriend to you. 

I've said and did things that you hate.

& it's weird that I always wants to start a fight, 

but you were too patient that it just made me even angrier sometimes. 

if you ask me why I wanted a fight is because, 

we never fought.

stupidly as it sounds, my peers thinks I'm crazy for asking for a fight. 

yknow just the feeling after a fight, and the make up.

today as well, I fell sick after our breakfast. 

I was half asleep in class & prolly I was in tears. 

there were so many things that are running in my head.

just what if, 

one day,

my decision was to leave, all these joy and misery

that no one could ever understand. 

just what ifs. 

this post was utterly useless. 

thanks for spending your time. 

Macarons failed?

so we tried making macarons again. 

this time was another flavour, 

pistachio and strawberry ganache :) 

it wasn't a success but it was better than the last try. 

which the outcome wasn't even edible. 

hahah 

 the colour of this isn't that interesting to me. 

but to me, it was rather nice. 

as it isn't that sweet cause the ganache contain cheese. 

hehe. 

was quite shy to post this up well. 

you could see it's cracky and all. 

however, we learnt this all by the help of google and tutorials from book and etc etc. 

so appreciate :) 

so what you say about this? :P 

Cookie monster :P

Since today, my sister is not working. 

she decided to bake cookies. :)

since I promised someone that I will give some to him, I forgot why tho. 

and it's been so long cause I was quite busy, sort of for this few months. 

since it was holiday and my exam is coming to an end. 

why not just make some so that I no longer hang on on my promises . 

teehee. :)

It's yummy and crunchy, 

I bet it will satisfy your taste buds ! :P

too bad, I couldn't give you recipe cause it's a family recipe. 

we (me and my sister) promised my aunt to not give this cookie recipe. 

can compare to famous amos okay! :P 

really yummeh :) 

*my stomach is calling me*

*go grab some now*

*munch munch munch*

byeeeeeeeeeeeee :) 

Day 10

Discuss your first love and first kiss 

dup dap dup dap.

I never expected there's people who is waiting for this post. 

I'm so sorry but to disappoint you all la. 

apart from Jesus, my first love would be...

Aaron Carter, source from google. hahaha

and you would act like "walau this girl play cheat one on 30days challenge"

haiyo, so i tell you la okay. this is still true. 

uh I don't know cause I don't remember anything. 

but so far, of what I remembered of. my first love...

(i find this very funny) is still one of my close friend right now.

I can't be sure that if he's gonna read this. 

in fact, I don't know who reads my blog. -.-

I don't know whether I should categorized (?) this as my first love. 

one thing, he's single! and tall and handsome and cute. haha

he's quite mean to me these days.

no wait, he's always mean. 

we used to be the best friend when we were in primary school.

he use to come over to my house and we would ran around the house chasing one another. 

I remembered he injured his leg once at my house. if I'm not mistaken it's him. 

cause there were three of us. 

I remembered we were playing pc games upstairs. I was holding the mouse. 

and he touched my hand. 

I went like ":O omg what is he trying to do"

and I was save by the bell, his mom came and fetch him.

muhahahahha.

ho shit, I'm hoping he's not gonna read this. 

serious awkward okay (gah)

enough right? satisfied already? hehehe

first kiss? 

even worst!.

had my first kiss on the day I was born. :)

of course it's from my parents and siblings that I'm sure. 

HAHA.

you seriously would think that I would discuss about my first kiss? 

wow, that's not gonna be a secret anymore eh? 

how sad. I wish I could keep it just for myself and that person.

it's not something that I would just simply tell.

:)

well, what kind of kiss you want? hahaha.

kiss on the cheeks? 

kiss on the lips?

HAHAHHAHA.

I seriously don't know. 

all I can say it's awkward and silly.

it was just an innocent kiss. 

unexpected.

I'm not gonna elaborate more. 

cause I don't know who reads my blog. 

his current girlfriend might be visiting. 

I don't wanna cause any argument / jealousy. 

peace lovelies. :) 

Sunday pot luck :)

 Cupcakes :) 

 Popiah 

Sausage and baked potatoes.

I forgot how we call this hehe

Kakak Carol's macaroni salad :) 

Uncle Alistair cutting the lamb :) 

my food (looks so greedy) 

the lamb with mint jam :) 

dessert time! 

Happy 14th Anniversary  :) 

to Uncle Francis and Aunty Grace :) 

look at only daughter wants to eat :P 

another round of tummy fattening.

chow :)