just another emotional post

I honestly hate counting days,

I hate knowing that it is coming soon, for real this time. 

I hate it so much, that it made me feel selfish for having that wants of 

just keeping you here with me in this small city.

I hate it that I know I'll miss looking forward on meeting you 

every lunch break at school.

I hate it that I know I am already missing you now. 

I hate it that I get jealous over things that doesn't even matter. 

I hate it when I cried in the restaurant just now. 

I hate it that you spend half of your day with your friends when I'm in school. 

just cause I wanna be there too. 

I hate it that when you leave, I'm gonna cry my lungs out.

I hate that my period is making the sentence above sounds like you're going to die. 

what the.. 

I hate that what I just wrote above here reminded me that I've almost lost you two years back 

just a week before my 17th birthday. 

I hate that even though that time we broke up, my body started to tremble with tears and fears

when they came to my house to tell me about the news. 

& until today, I'm thankful and grateful for having them as our friends. 

I would've been the last person to know what happened to you if it wasn't for them.

the worries and adrenaline that runs in my veins gets even 

when we reached there, I didn't get to see you there. 

I swear I wish I was there with you the whole time even if it risk myself that my parents finds out. 

& remembering my only wish on my birthday was to see you never came true.

and I'm sorry I never took the responsibility to be a good girlfriend to you. 

I've said and did things that you hate.

& it's weird that I always wants to start a fight, 

but you were too patient that it just made me even angrier sometimes. 

if you ask me why I wanted a fight is because, 

we never fought.

stupidly as it sounds, my peers thinks I'm crazy for asking for a fight. 

yknow just the feeling after a fight, and the make up.

today as well, I fell sick after our breakfast. 

I was half asleep in class & prolly I was in tears. 

there were so many things that are running in my head.

just what if, 

one day,

my decision was to leave, all these joy and misery

that no one could ever understand. 

just what ifs. 

this post was utterly useless. 

thanks for spending your time.